Taking the Backseat

The past two months have been challenging in ways I never saw coming. But I guess that’s what I get for putting expectations on what God is working. Still, I would not exchange them for the world, even with the changing turn of events. If I could express the single most important thing that having a relationship with God has taught me, it’s that there is no such thing as wasted time. Even when I do not feel like I am producing, He is still orchestrating according to His perfect plan. It is a blessing to be a part of that no matter how “inconvenient” times may seem. Because in frustration I found purpose. In confusion I found clarity. In loneliness I found value. 

God brought me to Puerto Rico for a time of cleansing. Cleaning out what my ideals are. Destroying my independence from Him. Wiping away earthly desires. Realigning my heart to the higher purpose. My individual purpose, not just service, but why I am His daughter fighting for His Kingdom. He has shown me that I was placed in history at this time for a reason. I could have been born with the Egyptians or colonial America because He knew me just as well then as He does now. But God chose me here and now to battle a culture unlike any other in history. A culture obsessed with technology and despair. A time of hiding behind colorful accounts and images. God has shown me that the fight I am meant to fight for Him begins with myself.

And that means not chasing the next big adventure; not jumping on board other people’s missions; not ignoring the talents, passions, and desires that my heart bursts for. That means moving back to Indianapolis for a time to start building my individual mission. 

Being in Puerto Rico had a silver lining, but a lot of it was extremely hard for me. Never feeling quite at home; trying to figure out how to balance all of the work and keeping myself sane; battling exhaustion at the end of each day. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of good happened. I got to help rebuild houses and buildings, evangelize and pray for people, see the reality of a culture that is so misconstrued by media. Every day was packed and very different. I did the Lord’s work. But it was not meant to be the year long journey that I had set up for myself. 

So I am heading back to the midwest in obedience like the Lord has asked me to for now. He wants more for me. And I don’t really know what that looks like, but that is another thing He is teaching me: I don’t have to know, I just have to obey. And even harder to learn: I don’t have to seek understanding from others, I just have to obey. 

A sermon preached by Steven Furtick recently really stood out to me where he emphasized the thought, “Don’t be focused on playing the game right, be focused on playing the right game.” It is so easy to get distracted in this age, and we often don’t realize we have been going fast and hard at the wrong game. That our intentions get quickly thrown off by endless influencers.

Back in March, the Lord revealed to me the ministry I am going to own eventually, and I thought that working with YWAM in Puerto Rico would open doors for development. But that is not why I was actually brought there. It realigned my own heart instead to focus on what is important to God. Francis Chan sums it up well in his book Letters To The Church “It is imperative that we differentiate between what we want and what God commands. Not that our desires are all bad, but they must take a back seat to what He emphasizes.”